Sergio Says It Straight

A Therapist Explains

• Sergio Velasquez • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Youtube:  https://www.youtube.com/@Viajaseguroconveroyleo

Mental Health Sources: https://mentalhealthhotline.org/, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/, https://www.apa.org/

Music:  "Everything Is Working Out" by Sarah, the Illstrumentalist, licensed under Epidemic Sound.  Original work available at https://www.epidemicsound.com/music/tracks/d82030d0-11ae-4ed6-b8c0-54046531b869/.

This week I sit down with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Veronica Velasquez for a fun, honest conversation about relationships, modern dating, anxiety, boundaries,  overthinking, and why humans are emotionally weird sometimes.  

We talk red flags vs. green flags, therapy myths, social media psychology trends, communication mistakes, and the little things that create healthier relationships.  It's insightful, relatable, comforting, and packed with practical takeaways- whether you're dating, married, healing, or just trying to exist without spiraling with a bit of humor.

If you're enjoying the podcast and want to help support future episodes, you can contribute here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2612894/support


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SPEAKER_02

This is Sergio says it straight. Straight talk, real people, no filter. Say it straight or don't say it at all.

SPEAKER_03

Hello, this is Sergio. My guest today is Veronica Velasquez, licensed marriage and family therapist. Ooh. Today Veronica is here. She is a mental health professional. She is going to provide us a little insight today on her field and what goes on. Today we're going to talk about relationships, anxiety, communication, dating, and all the weird ways humans interact with an actual licensed therapist. Thank you, Veronica, for joining us today. But don't worry, nobody's going to get diagnosed today, right? No. I hope not. Okay. All right. Real quick before we get started here, I just wanted to go ahead and a couple fun facts about Veronica, our guest today. It says here that you once did a 52, is it mile hike challenge in a span of a year, which included two of the peaks in Southern California, Mount Wilson and Mount Baldy. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_00

That was actually a 15 hike challenge.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, 15 hike challenge.

SPEAKER_00

I'm sorry, 52 hikes.

SPEAKER_03

52 hikes. So 52 hikes in one year, not 52 miles.

SPEAKER_00

That is okay.

SPEAKER_03

Thank you for that clarification. Still, that's a lot.

SPEAKER_00

That is. And part of it was those two big peaks. There's six peaks actually in total, and I ended up doing two of those, which I have to tell you, it was wow. I took a lot of mental power to get through the a 15-hour hike.

SPEAKER_03

15-hour hike. Yeah, no, thank you. It says also here that you you enjoy reading, and you usually find yourself reading a minimum of three books at the same time. Most of them are self-improvement books. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_00

That is correct. I've loved reading since I was a little girl. I mean, there were times when I'd probably maybe could read even five in one week.

SPEAKER_03

Five books in a week. Wow. I mean, how do you find the time for that?

SPEAKER_00

Oh I mean, I just I get up early nowadays at my age. I wake up really early, so I have a well we're not gonna we're not gonna disclose ages here.

SPEAKER_03

So let's just say that we are I'm in my 40s, and uh we'll just say we're in our 40s, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, we'll just keep it right there, okay?

SPEAKER_03

And then also um I know that you enjoy concerts. You're a concert enthusiast. I know that you and your partner, um, your boyfriend partner, uh, you guys go out to concerts quite a bit, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, we have. I mean, we have a couple already that we've been to, a couple more that we're going this year, and we've actually have a YouTube channel. Oh, wow, okay, that we've created called Leo and Virgo Live. So we do document our experiences at these concerts and you know, other experiences that we have, like when we travel as well.

SPEAKER_03

So we'll we'll drop the link.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

So that way if you want to go ahead and follow, um, you can go ahead and do that. Uh, real quick though, um, what what's been your favorite one so far that you've attended this year, favorite concert?

SPEAKER_00

I actually went to see him again last night, and that is Romeo Santos.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, Romeo Santos. My wife loves Romeo Santos.

SPEAKER_00

I will every chance I get, I will go see Romeo.

SPEAKER_03

Fantastic. Okay, well, thank you once again for joining us uh today. Uh, really appreciate you making the the journey out here from the Orange County. Uh so much appreciated. Uh, our first segment that we're gonna talk about is our therapists secretly judging everybody. Okay. So um, real quick though, what what made you become a therapist first and foremost?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I'd have to say that just growing up, I mean, within my family, right? Just curious about like behaviors, things that I saw like growing up and just having this interest, right? And humans, human behavior. Um, and also, you know, with that knowledge, wanting to help, you know, I think there was this great need to want to help like other people, right? Seeing challenges, you know, different things that happened in the family that were not easy to to witness.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Um I think I just had it in me. I was like, hey, I want to not only understand, but be able to help maybe not necessarily my family, but maybe others in a similar situation. So that you know, maybe you know, they don't have to struggle.

SPEAKER_02

Perfect, thank you.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, no, I mean, I know that it's probably not the easiest job, and it it probably takes a very, very special person to be able to handle this type of job. I know for me, I know I probably couldn't do it. So kudos to you. Thank you for for taking that on because I know people do need therapy, uh, including myself. I mean, I do I do therapy uh once every other week, so it's good for you. Um a question that a lot of people do ask is do therapists analyze people constantly?

SPEAKER_00

Uh, it's hard not to. I mean, I'm not diagnosing people, but definitely I find myself like observing people right around me. Right. I mean, I I have to say that I do love to people watch. Um, not necessarily that I'm like diagnosing once again, but just like to it's it's interesting, right, to be able to just see how people interact and just the differences in in each human too.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, if you're at Disneyland and you see the crazy people fighting in line because they want to see Dumbo or something, they want to get in the Dumbo ride. Like, do you like take the time to be like, okay, what's really going on here? I mean, these are adults here fighting to get on a Dumbo ride. Uh, do you find yourself like actually like trying to analyze?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I have to admit that I do. I'm like, oh, I'm already kind of creating a story in my head in terms of like why this is happening uh here. Um, I mean, even when I watch TV, I'd like I have you know, guilty pleasure here is watching like those reality dating uh shows, like Love is Blind. Oh love it, right? Because I mean you get an opportunity to see these, you know, as they're dating and getting to know each other, and you see a lot of stuff like come up. Um, and so it in those shows I actually do find myself diagnosing people. All right.

SPEAKER_03

And the reason I was asking about that, I actually did witness it once we went to Disneyland with my family. I saw like adults fighting to get on the Dumble ride. I'm just thinking, like, what makes somebody want to fight somebody else for a little kitty ride? That's the reason I was asking. Just it just makes you think, like, what are people thinking, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so a lot, a lot, you know, we'd you'd be surprised how much you know is behind that, right? It's obviously not just about the Dumble ride.

SPEAKER_03

I know, everybody loves Disney and Dumble, but yeah, that's kind of weird though. Um, what's the biggest misconception about therapy, in your opinion?

SPEAKER_00

That um, you know, people only go to therapy if they're I don't know, I guess they're crazy, right? They have to be, you know, like seriously mentally disturbed in order to go and access care. Um, but it's not like that. I mean, really, I think we all, everybody could benefit from therapy, uh, even with like struggling with the smallest of things. Uh, I mean, I work with like you know, clients with you know, various ages, a lot of like young adults to like older, you know, like middle age and even beyond that at times. And sometimes, you know, even trying to make a decision, right? About hey, with young adults, what school do I go to? Or something as simple as that, right? That you know, oftentimes like people feel conflicted with making a decision because it's it's a lot of pressure, right? So people, you know, it could be you know day-to-day things that people are struggling with. Uh, and you know, you get to come and speak to somebody that is, you know, gonna create a safe space for you to be able to openly talk about what you're thinking, feeling without having to worry about, you know, response or judgment. You know, I could be thinking stuff in my head, but I'm not gonna say that. You know, I'm there. But you want to say it, but yeah, but I don't, right?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Um, I mean, people, it's just nowadays. I mean, growing up, I remember as a kid, I didn't think much about things. As an adult, you start to worry about the simplest things, right? Uh, did that get paid? Did I take care of that? You worried about work, you're worried about everything, right? So life in general, I think it's just overwhelming at times. And sometimes I think you just need to take a step back and and focus on yourself. And so, like you see, like you mentioned earlier, I think everybody needs a little bit of therapy. Um, so I I do strongly agree with that. And um, I really very, very, very ad very, very strongly advocate it. So um let's go ahead and flip it a little bit. Um, are there ever any funny things that happen during therapy? I mean, you don't have to give specifics or names, obviously, but do you ever see yourself like in a funny situation where you're like you're trying not to laugh?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I don't, I mean, it it not necessarily. I mean, I sometimes I laugh with the client, right? Like, I mean, we build a you know, certain type of rapport, um, where like, hey, we're able to laugh together about certain situations, right? I mean, we know that hey, the person is struggling with this, but you know, I think I try to kind of sometimes add some humor to, right? Because we can't, you know, life is is hard hard enough already, right? And then to just always be so serious. I'm not not to say that I'm not taking it serious, but I think it is important sometimes to bring some some humor right into the sessions, but in terms of not necessarily laughing, but um, um it's more kind of like, oh my goodness, like I can't believe, you know.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, do you have to kind of lighten the mood sometimes a little bit? Or or when you talk about humor, is it like maybe the conversation has to kind of shift a little bit, or or what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00

I think sometimes it it depends on the client, right? Because everybody, you know, has different, you know, relationships. I mean, with the therapist and client relationship, it's like any, you know, I mean it's different, but then I think in terms of like how like the rapport, how you go back and forth, it is like a lot of other relationships in that sense, right? So there are some clients that are gonna, I don't know, they're more serious, they you know, very kind of like want to do things, I don't know, very regimented, uh, whereas there are other people that are more lax, and that's what I mean. Like you know, sometimes with some people, I mean they might bring the humor so themselves.

SPEAKER_03

It's kind of like you you bring that maybe that comfort.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

So they can open up maybe, and that's that's where the humor part comes in, maybe. And yes, they just feel like they open up.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because if the client is open to it, you know, you get the vibe just like you would in having conversations with anybody else, right? Whether they're gonna be open to that, right? But I I want to say that most clients like that, right? Because I think, like I said, life is already serious and difficult, and then to have to come into a space where it's like right, you know, I have to continue to present a survey, be serious. So I don't know, I guess just provide that so they can feel at ease.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. No, and I I I as as a client, I I I appreciate it when my therapist um kind of makes me feel like it's okay, you know. We can talk about that. It doesn't have to be, you don't have to feel this way. Um and you just because you don't want to it's gets you know, nobody wants to feel vulnerable. So when when it when there's humor in it or you, you know, whatever you you're made to feel more at ease, you tend to open up more, and now you're like, oh, now I'm looking forward to the next session because that wasn't too bad. I actually enjoyed it in a way. So uh I I appreciate it when when therapy is is like that, because then I want to come back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So especially when it's like people that are coming for the first time. Um they're they're so nervous. I mean, yeah, you said something that I think that's very important. It's not easy to reach out, even if it is like your second or third time, right? Because you know that when you do that, it's like, oh, you know, there's gonna be work that I'm gonna have to do.

SPEAKER_03

Right, right. Yeah, who wants to work, right? Nobody wants to work. Okay, well, thank you. Um, let's go ahead and jump into relationships and communication. Everybody's favorite, right? Relationships. And uh I I bet you because you are a licensed marriage and family therapist, I'm sure you have a lot of couples that come in there. Um, what do couples fight the most about?

SPEAKER_00

Uh actually, I have to say something. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, but I don't actually work with couples. Okay, right. But I do um you do discuss relationships. I do discuss relationships with with my clients. But I have to say that one of the things that is kind of on top of the list, like that is, you know, I hear from from a lot of my clients, particularly I want to say female clients. Okay, here we go.

SPEAKER_03

Here we go.

SPEAKER_00

That there's this unequal division of labor.

SPEAKER_03

I've heard that before.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, right.

SPEAKER_03

So often no, no, you're that is no, that that's something that I've heard in many conversations, uh, you know, family members, friends. You're absolutely right. It's it's a topic.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it is. And and you know, it's it's it's a it's a difficult one to navigate because hey, I could only do so much because I'm only working with the individual, right? Not the couple.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Um, but you know, uh with situations like that, a lot of it is you know, communication is important and being able to communicate to the other person what it is that you know you you you need.

SPEAKER_03

And then speaking of that though, uh obviously the the the what the not being balanced. Are we talking about like the husband usually doesn't do his part because he does the outside yard work or he does this, and usually the wife or the whoever the partner, uh they're they get, you know, cut doing everything with the kids or with the groceries or paying the bills or whatever the case is. Is that kind of like the inequality you're talking about?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and in some cases, yes, right? Or you know, yeah. I mean, there are some household responsibilities or family responsibilities that do tend to fall more on one person than the other. Um, but then another thing that I that I also hear is that you know, this, oh, this person's yes is not doing enough, right? Or is not doing, is not helping me in the ways that I need help. That is another one too, right? Because and that's where communication becomes really important, because you know, you can say, hey, you know, to your part, they can say to their partner, I need more help, but if you're not, you know, letting them know exact, they're not letting them know exactly where it would be, you know, beneficial, beneficial or where you need the most support. Because if you don't clarify that, right, the other person is gonna say, Well, I am helping.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

But you know, the person is asking for the help is like, yeah, but not with the things that I need you to help with.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And I'm and I'm guilty of it. I'm guilty because I know that, and I think I've done a better job now than in the past, but I I am guilty where I would okay, I'm gonna take care of the yard work, I'm gonna do the stuff outside, I'm gonna do the things that require a man to do, right? Supposedly, right? But the reality is there's way more to it than that. Um, I wasn't used to like scrubbing toilets or you know, uh doing laundry, and and just because that's just the way I grew up, right? But now I know, like, okay, if I just put my part in, I do a little bit more, things are gonna be just so much better for for the for the relationship, and then you know, you we'll we'll be happier. So I I do my laundry now. I I wake up in the morning, I do more than just take out the trash and stuff like that. But but also at the same time, it's like you know, I I I shouldn't be asked, like I it's it's it should be expected, it shouldn't be like I have to tell you to please help out with the kids, uh because you know, and and the reality is most of the time, I know because at work, uh I you know my manager, and most of the time, I would say my secretaries, they're always the ones taking care of the kid issues. I never hear them talking about, oh, my husband's gonna do this, my husband's gonna take care of the kid pickup. It's always it's always the woman, right? It always seems to be that way. And I think that in my relationship with my marriage, I think that we've learned how to well I've learned how to balance it out more and do like, you know what? I'll I I'm gonna take my daughter to the dentist today, I'm gonna go pick her up from school today, and so and you're right, it's it's about it's about communication and just making sure that okay, what do you need for me today? Okay, because I may think that okay, I took out the trash and I moved those boxes and oh, I did my part for the day. She might be thinking something totally different, and so I understand now, but I I wasn't always there though. I wasn't always there. Um, but it's I think it's been better. I think my wife would say that I'm doing a lot better now if I was to ask her.

SPEAKER_00

Uh, I think she would say, and I'm sure she appreciates it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I'm sure she does. But um, every now and then, uh, of course, I still piss her off, I still get her a little upset. But um, I try to do my best.

unknown

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

So, yeah, sorry, I I got I know it kind of dove into that a little bit deeper, but um, it kind of just made me think um about that. Um, another question here, it's what's one communication habit that quietly destroys relationships?

unknown

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_03

That's a tough one, huh?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, um, I think jumping to conclusions, right? About you know, how the other person is feeling or what's going on there, why did they do X, Y, and Z. Right? Because I think as humans, you know, we tend to create our stories without having all the information. Right. Right. And I think that's the biggest that is a the one thing that I see that that tends to create conflict, right? In in any relationship, right? Not just like in say romantic relationships, but in all. Oh okay, right? Because right away it's like, oh, you know, you can say, oh, well, you know, he's quiet today, you know, and I don't know, make up a story about, you know, why he's quiet would happen there. Oh, probably mad at me because of this, or you know, probably, and it's not even that, right? It could just simply be that, hey, tired, right? It was a long day at work, or it could be by vice versa, her as well. Right, right away jumping to conclusions instead of trying to just simply ask, right? Very simple. Communication, communication, right? Right, yes, very important.

SPEAKER_03

I don't understand why it's so hard. Now, I mean, uh as I've aged and I've been I've gotten more mature, I've realized, man, communication is so important. All you gotta do is open your mouth, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think all you gotta do. Very simple. I always ask someone, uh, wait a minute, have have you asked them? Uh no, like kind of I never thought about that. I'm like, well, that's where you need to start.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. That's a that's a good start, obviously. Um let's see here. Why do people stay in relationships they know aren't healthy? That's a big one.

unknown

I mean

SPEAKER_00

I it depends, I guess, on the situation because every relationship is different. Um, but a lot of times I think um it is because maybe you know, things that the person probably saw like in their parents' relationship, very often, you know, more often than not, it's due to that, right? So if there was, you know, as a child, right? Like they grew up in a home where parents, you know, was a very unhealthy, toxic relationship, right? We like to often use that word nowadays, toxic. Um, and so, you know, that's what they learned, right? The the message that they received there is like you stay in a relationship, no matter like, you know, how poorly they treat you, how unhappy you are, you try to make it work, right? Or you stick, you know, you stick with this person until you know the rest of your life, right? Or until death to death to us part, right? Um, that's you know, one of the main reasons.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And when you look at it, you're looking at a relationship from the outside. Obviously, you're looking at it from a different perspective than obviously the individuals that are in the relationship. So it's kind of like they're blind to what's going on. And no matter, and I just from experience from talking to people that have been in bad relationships, you try to explain to them what we see, what's going on, and they're like, no, what are you talking about? Uh that drives me crazy because everybody can see it plainly, and uh, it's just like, wow, what why can't you just like see what I'm saying? But I know it's it's it's it's hard when you're in it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it it is hard to see, and and I think probably in those situations, what is most helpful is, you know, because you know, obviously, person, regardless of what you say, they're gonna make their own choices. But um, I think just kind of giving first instead of like pointing out what maybe you see in the relationship, like more about like helping them see the difference between a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship, right? And let them kind of come to their own conclusion.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Because you have to think about who nobody likes it when they come and criticize you, even, you know, say and you know, provide any any feedback, right? In terms of like you as a person, your behavior, your choices. So, you know, you the person's gonna right away get defensive versus if like, hey, I guess no, you you they feel like you they're being attacked. Exactly. Right, right. That's why the defensiveness, right? It's like, oh no, I have to justify, you know, I have to. No, that's not true, right? That you're you know, you're looking at this in the wrong way.

SPEAKER_03

But I gotta say though, there's some there's some very toxic people out there that I'm just like, dude, come on. Are you kidding me? Uh, but anyways, um what's the difference between chemistry and compatibility?

SPEAKER_00

Oh okay.

SPEAKER_03

All these tough questions, huh?

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

I think with chemistry, it has to be more has to do more kind of with like maybe a a physiological response that say a person has, right, when they're in company of of somebody else, right? Like, and it has to do obviously a variety of things. Most most of the time it is like, you know, how it what they see with their eyes, right? How do they feel, right? That's what I'm saying, a physiological response, right? Your the person's body, whether it's their eyes, whether it's you know, their their heart, attraction, right? Attraction. I don't know, like oh we talk about attraction response, right? Like that that's chemistry. Oh, okay. That's chemistry. That is chemistry, okay, right? Um, yeah, because there's like some chemical response that's happening in a person's body, right? Right. Um, that's why chemistry, but with compatibility, right? It has to do more with like, you know, values.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Um yeah, I I want to say, I want to just boils down to that, right? That you both kind of like, hey, we both value the same things, right? We value, I don't know, have the similar work ethic.

SPEAKER_03

Factory, we both like working, we both like working out, we both like, you know, watching the same TV shows. That's compatibility.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Yeah. Right? You have things like in common. Right.

SPEAKER_03

But you do you think that compatibility can turn into chemistry, though?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I think both can exist. I mean, I I think initially it starts with the chemistry. Right. Right. Because it's like, yeah, that's what attracts you. Attraction. Right? The, oh, how a person looks, right? Like, yeah, you know, when a person talks to you, how that feels, right? If they hug you, if you get a kiss, right? Um, and then as you start talking, they start getting to know each other, that's when you find out if like there is compatibility, right? Because I mean you think about boom, people go on a date, yeah, like they'll go on different dates. You can have chemistry initially, but as they get to know each other, it's they're not always compatible. And just like, you know what? Like, this is not gonna, you know, this is not gonna work.

SPEAKER_03

I just I just say good luck to everybody out there that's trying to find somebody. It just, I don't know. It just seems like things are just so much more complicated than you know, when I was dating, you know, 300 years ago, uh, as now. Like now, it just seems like they're just too much. I don't know, social media has a big impact on it, which we'll talk a little bit more about um in a bit, but um I just think that we just need to be more understanding with each other. Um, of course, you have that physical attraction and fantastic. You know, of course, if I'm a if I see a beautiful woman like when I first saw my wife, uh, I was attracted to her. And of course, that's one of the first things that I thought about. Um, but also like understanding each other. Like if we're gonna be in a relationship, we have to understand what you like, what you don't like, what's my needs, what's your needs. Um, so I think that's important. Um, but I kind of like that debate with the compatibility and the chemistry. That's always a fun one for me. So thank you for for that, for explaining that to us. Welcome. All right. Um let's see here. I think we I think we we can move on. Let's see here. Um let's talk about dating a little bit, okay? Uh you talk people, you talk uh with in clients, of course, that are are in the dating scene. They're in, of course, in a relationship. Uh what's the biggest dating myth right now if there if there's one out there? A dating myth.

unknown

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00

I think that I think it's not just right now. Just in general. I think just in general, and it has been kind of like that maybe that it's easy to find, you know, like your soulmate.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Which it's not, right? And I think that's why like oftentimes people that you know are currently dating or have been dating for a while, you know, get frustrated, right? Right. You know, begin to think that, oh, there must be something wrong with me, or this is never gonna happen. Right. That's what I'm saying. I think it's like the dating method. Yeah, it's it's it's easy, right? You're gonna find somebody, all right? Because yeah, you can find somebody like we were talking about before. There's chemistry, there's some compatibility there, but it doesn't always mean that things are gonna right, that that's like your partner, your life partner.

SPEAKER_03

And uh as I mentioned earlier, when it comes to dating and social media, do you think social media is making relationships worse?

SPEAKER_00

I think yes, I think social media has made life worse in so many ways, not just dating, right? Because there's this constant like comparison. I mean, we as it is, we already do it. Right. Right. Of like comparing our lives to those of of other people. And you know, oftentimes when it comes to social media, you know, people present in a certain way, and of course, like, oh, with relationships and you know, like those people that maybe are not in a romantic relationship, like, and they see that, like it just it just makes people feel worse, right? And and and fall like into this depression.

SPEAKER_03

It's like the social media reality is very different from like the real life in in in most cases, I think I would say. Um and I I that's something that I really don't understand is why do you have to present to everybody that oh, this is who I am, this is what I'm doing, this is their relationship. I mean, why is that necessary? I I just that's something that I question I'm always questioning. Like, I try to keep my my stuff private when it comes to that kind of stuff. You know, I like I like going on social media for funny clips and stuff like that. I don't care about what you ate or like oh, look at me and and my family in Maui or whatever, like trying to present themselves. Like, I mean, that's a cool pick and everything. Glad you guys had a good time, but like I don't know. I just think that it it's it's they're trying to live something, they're trying to live a life that they're not really living. Um, that's just my opinion on that. But um, what about dating apps? You think dating apps are changing how people connect emotionally?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yes. I mean, it doesn't feel good, I think, for those people that use the dating apps because oh my goodness, it almost feels probably like a game at times. Right? Like, yes, um, you know, you hear people like swiping, you know, swiping, I don't know if it's right or left. Is it right or left? I I don't know. Swipe left. People are swipe. What does that mean? I don't know how to remember.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00

And and and it does feel you know it can create a lot of pressure, it can feel like overwhelming to for people to use like a dating app because of that. It's like, hey, I have to present. Once again, you know, goes like with the social media, right? You know, people feel this need to have to present a certain way, and it creates a lot of stress, you know, anxiety, because you know, we know that whoever's on the app and looking for they're swiping through so many, right? Right, there's so many choices, right? Versus before, like dating app is like, you know, like you go somewhere and there's a limited amount of people, right, that you can meet in that particular space versus you go on an app, and I mean, people can even select to like expand the radius, and you know, they're exposed to so many different people. So people often feel like, oh my goodness, I'm competing, right?

SPEAKER_03

Right. And it and it is competition, I think, especially like in those sites like you're saying, swipe right. I think I think I don't know, is it swipe right? You're interested, or swipe left, like no. So I wonder if the people that get swiped left, do they know that they're getting like rejected? I wonder, I don't know. Uh and how must that feel to somebody like that keeps getting past like that? That that can't be good for you, honestly. That how's that good, right?

SPEAKER_00

So, I mean, I don't I don't think they know. I think the only time you'll know is if you match with somebody.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, okay. I mean, I mean, that would be horrible though, if that was happening, like man, nobody nobody likes me. Like, what do you do? Like, that would suck.

SPEAKER_00

I I probably have a lot more clients than I do right now, right?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I don't know, just something I thought about right now, but yeah. Um do you think people are more uh emotionally unavailable now than in the past?

SPEAKER_00

I'd have to say you know what, it's it it depends. Right? I think on a lot of things, once again, right? Because I think one of the things that might make people very uh like emotionally unavailable nowadays is the amount of stress and pressure that that people experience on a day-to-day. I mean, life is very different than it was back to even say, oh, you know, probably when you know, obviously when we were kids, right? Yeah, life was so much easier. But but you know, like easier you you look back or even pair, you know, looking at our parents, not to say that it wasn't difficult, but it's just there's a lot more to think about. I mean think about even like kids nowadays are having to are worrying, stressing, right, about things that you know, like probably us, like we didn't worry about them that until oh my goodness, we're probably like young adults, right?

SPEAKER_03

We worried about like what's what's for dinner, uh you know, like worrying about am I gonna be able to make it home before the you know before the lights turn on, you know. It was just very simple. Um, but they these kids now, like you said, there's just too much for them to to have to think about. Yeah, and uh I don't know. It's just it's you know, uh you could just all you can say is it's different now, it's different, it's different. Um, and of course, um there's a lot of things out there that our kids are exposed to where we were not exposed to as much, I would say. Um, but you know, we just have to be aware of that and just making sure that our our kids are getting the answers that they they need and just be there to have those conversations of uh things that do come up that they're confused about or they're uh anxious about or whatever. And that's why once again, communication is very, very important.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, right. And and I do want to add a little bit to the whole thing about you know being emotionally unavailable with the amount of stress. You know, people are just so caught up on everything that they have to do that that's right, you know, they're not really can't really pres present and engage, right? Like as a whole person, right? Or even sometimes even feel things because they're so consumed, you know, worried about every the the the daily to-do list, right? And like I said, even kids feel that, you know, nowadays.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. The homework, the sports, you know, the extracurricular activities, um, and then of course you got the social media and the whatever else that they're involved in. That's a lot. It's a lot, it's a lot to to have in your mind and to have to deal with. Um, I know when I come home at night, you know, after work, you know, we still gotta, of course, we got I'm married, four kids, you know, we still gotta make sure we tend to the kids, uh, worry about their their needs, their concerns, or whatever they need for that day, dinner, uh, walk the dog, you know, we gotta pay bills, uh, we gotta get take the car to get the oil. I mean, there's just so much that happens that even when you get to the weekend and you know, you gotta take care of so much things. What does that leave you at the end of the weekend? Like two or three hours where you actually like sit down and are able to relax. That's not enough time. You work all week, you know, bust your butt, uh, take care of what you got to take care of, and then what for two or three hours? Yeah, I don't know. Something's wrong. I mean that there's something wrong with that. Um, and I think that's why, in my opinion, a lot of people are emotionally unavailable because there's no time, first and foremost. There's no time, and then the time they do have, they just kind of want to decompress sometimes. I want to just watch my my baseball game, uh, and I don't want to have to deal with sometimes, you know, with the stresses that are uh uh the day-to-day stuff. Yeah, it's hard.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and if if people are like, you know, emotion they're not connected with themselves, like you said, because there's not enough time to be by yourself to check in how am I doing, you know, how can you expect then somebody to be able to be in tuned with others' needs, right? And then by emotionally connected to other people, right?

SPEAKER_03

And then um I come home and then I I'm already emotionally drained from having to deal with my employees who you know life happens, uh, but there's just so much going on that I have to try to figure out. Um, and I'm listening to everybody's problems, and it just it puts a weight on your shoulder. Um, because you it's not like you're gonna try to solve their problems, their personal problems, uh, but it carries it carries over to the work area. Uh, and so by the time you go you go home, I'm just like, man, I don't even know what to think right now. So, and I mean I'm pretty sure other people can relate to that. And I'm pretty sure you can relate, obviously, being that you're in this profession when you go home. I can't even imagine how you feel. You're probably exhausted.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, but and and and that's why it's like self-care is so important. But I think in my profession, you know, it's it's necessary to make it a priority, right? Because otherwise, I wouldn't be able to be present, right? And and really, you know, kind of listen to my clients and respond appropriately.

SPEAKER_03

Right. Um, so um I think that let's go ahead and uh dive into the next portion, which this is one that I really uh think about a lot is uh mental health uh in our lives. Um and one thing that I want to ask you, and because of course you talk to different people all the time, I and I deal with this. Uh what does anxiety actually feel like for most people? I know it's different, but what does it feel like?

unknown

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00

Well, anxiety, right, is first and foremost, you know, we talked about physiological response, right? When people think about feeling anxious, the physical, you know, sensations of our anxiety are like, you know, rapid heart, you know, heartbeat. Right. Right. Like difficulty, uh, breathing, tightness in the chest, like dizziness, and anxiety uh is also, you know, I think characterized by worrying. Right. Because people will sometimes use anxiety and stress interchangeably, but they're very different. And and and and and the one thing that differentiates um anxiety from stress is that anxiety is remember this worrying. Worrying. You can't stop worrying, right? And a lot of times it's worrying about the future, right? What's gonna happen here, or I have to do this, or I have to do that. Is this am I gonna be able to do this? Right? That's what anxiety, right? And and this feeling of restlessness, right? Because you're worrying, right? People often also report difficulty sleeping as a result.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, right, that's a big one.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, and then with stress, right? Like, I know you're asking about anxiety, but I did bring up like there is a difference between anxiety and stress. With stress is more a feeling of overwhelm, right? You have a lot of things to do. Okay, right. Sometimes like you can feel stress, and stress is not, you know, stress, you know, you've heard people talk about there's a healthy level of stress, right? Stress is not bad, not always bad, right? It and it's not always necessarily going to have a negative impact on your mental health or your overall well-being, right? If you have certain things in place, uh like self-care, right? You take breaks, right? And you do all these things to help offset the stress. So stress, overwhelm, anxiety, it's about worry.

SPEAKER_03

What about what about burnout? Is burnout similar to stress, or is that something completely different?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, burnout can it comes as a result of chronic stress.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. So I hear a lot of people say, Well, I'm burnt out, right? Okay, so what does that mean? Like I'm burnt out, and a lot of people leave for medical purposes. Uh they go on a medical leave or whatever because they're burnt out. Um, so is that something that you hear a lot or or I don't know? Oh, yes, I do, right?

SPEAKER_00

A lot of the I I work with a lot of clients that work for tech companies. Um, and that is very common because there's these high demands. Um and you know, the working hours, I mean just the the hours that they're expected to be available, right? the the constant deadlines, right? And feeling like they have to almost constantly be on, right? And and and these individuals, even when they're not working, they're thinking about work, right? And not able to really sleep and they really have a hard time disconnecting. And if a person experiences this for an extended amount of time, right, then that also then leads to you know other things, depression, right? As well. Right. So it starts off with this chronic stress, but eventually the depression because people, you know, don't see a way out. Don't don't see this ending.

SPEAKER_03

Right. And then um talking about like burn is continuing to talk about burnout um and the stress and and the anxiety. And then of course you there's a lot of people that they come home but they're still on call. They still have to answer phone calls. So really you're not really some people are really never off the clock um because they always have to be constantly checking phones. I know that when I was in the in the military I was a recruiter me and my wife were both recruiters. We were stationed out in Colorado and I just remember that if I didn't have my phone next to me I would freak out because I don't know if I missed a call or something happened. So that right there was like I don't know if that's anxiety if that was a stressor but it my wife can relate I mean it it was just something that was attached to the hip and I think a lot of people to the live like this in a lot of their their whatever it is that they do for a career. So I I I just don't think that there should be a line I in my opinion where like when you clock out like you're you're done for the day don't think about work you know um and just be a human being you know go enjoy whatever nature go be with your kids go on a bike ride whatever um but some what some people that's just part of what their their responsibility is they have to have that phone on them. And you know back in the days we didn't have cell phones. So what people weren't on call back then so how did we do it you know people I'm sure companies and organizations ran well without being having to be on call the time but I understand like okay doctors you know therapists stuff like that. I don't know if you have to be on call sometimes or whatever for emergency purposes um but I I just find myself thinking like okay uh I hate this phone sometimes I just want to toss it through the window or uh and I have to carry two phones. I have to carry my personal phone and then I got to carry my work phone same thing with my wife um and I know she gets calls sometimes in the weekends and she's got to go to a facility and check this out whatever and that just takes time away from the family and from other things that you're doing. So uh after a while I think it's just like okay am I burnt out am I stressed out is it anxiety I don't know it's a combination probably yeah you're right it's a combination right and it does depend like on the situation and however there are some situations where people right are not really able to do much.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Right like it's like you said that's this is what's expected right like in certain like in you know I don't know industries right certain companies and this is part of the culture.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_03

So it's kind of a and if you don't follow that you're not a team player or you're not following the stand whatever the standards and okay this is not for you and it's not it might not be for everybody but sometimes you don't have a choice sometimes look this is the job that I have I have to feed my family I have to you got to do it. Yeah and that's just it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah but I mean sometimes I mean there are choices I mean people can I mean sometimes people they've been doing it so long and they think that oh I have to there's nothing else but there are right there are choices. I mean we always have a choice right sometimes that choice that that choice may not be you know easy in the beginning but we do have a choice.

SPEAKER_03

Right. Do you think that uh with anxiety stress burnout whatever whatever or the combination do you think that medication um is given way too easily like to I I know okay just kind of like my background I I'm a you know military veteran um took tons of medication in the past and I just feel like I it just seemed like it was just so easy to get medication like oh you just say this and boom they're gonna prescribe you Zola for this or that whatever do you think that's an issue or do you think it's necessary for individuals to get medic medicated?

SPEAKER_00

I mean with some individuals it is recommended. Yeah right um and and it also depends like you know what healthcare professional a person is receiving care from. Yeah right because if it is obviously like a general practitioner right they don't they don't have you know special training and for them it's like they're not therapist right they can't do so right away it's like here's here's this right and and we also know that like hey doctors or you know they get paid for prescribing right they get more money for prescribing so it's all a business there but I have to tell you that you know I mean most of the clients that I work with um that is kind of like a last resort.

SPEAKER_03

Okay I think I'm glad to hear that.

SPEAKER_00

Yes so so I think now nowadays like most people will say no like I rather do therapy first I'd rather do something else than you know taking you know medication. I think I think nowadays just because you know there's more information these are things you know more openly talked about than before that you know people now know that they don't have to right just because a doctor's trying to prescribe yes they'll still try to prescribe it right right you know almost immediately here take some anxiety medication take something for the depression or could be the case for other things too right when there's other right and and and I think in like I said people are talking more about this you know in in that way like social media has been helpful right so social media you know there there's pros and cons.

SPEAKER_03

And people are just more aware now I think uh there's so much information out there. Um but at at one point I was on 13 medications so I I don't even remember like I was even like sort of like I don't know how I was living at one point 13 medications and so I finally got aware uh I was started getting self-aware of like man this this cannot be good for me taking 13 medications so I slowly started um coming off of them and I actually made a mistake once um I decided to just quit cold turkey we went on vacation to Hawaii and my wife I know she still has a hard time hearing this but she's like what what did you do she's like yeah I stopped taking my medication yeah well that kind of ruined the vacation so uh I was not myself I was super uh I don't know I was just kind of all over and uh so I get the part that yes it's important to be medicated for for certain people in certain situations but um I just felt like it was too much for me like I it was unnecessary at times and um I just didn't like the way it made me feel I felt like I was hung over almost every day I felt like I was just tired all the time and it just I just wasn't myself and then once I did it the correct way I started kind of you know easing off the medications easing off medications and now I have one medication that I take as needed um and I still do therapy so I think the biggest thing for me that helps me is see my therapist every other Friday uh 9 30 in the morning uh I get on we do our therapy session and um it it kind of sets the tone for me for that day and and it really does help. So I'm a very very big advocate of therapy. I've done it for many many years now and I just feel like if you get an opportunity to do it if you feel like you need it don't don't hesitate. Just jump jump right in.

SPEAKER_00

I know it can be a little um you know a little scary but um it it it'll it'll be fine um quite another question how do you um what are actually what are signs of someone of someone that should consider therapy I know I know it could be a lot of different things but if you can just kind of in your opinion like what are some things that you say like oh you know what that person may need therapy I think going back to kind of like the overwhelming feeling right first and foremost right like a person feel feeling overwhelmed by the current stressors that they're experiencing they've tried you know doing what they can with whatever coping skills whatever resources they already have in place and still you know feeling stuck not really being able to see like any improvement there I would say you know reach out right I'm and and and not wait too long right I I say that the the overwhelm right I'm like I said and and that could be for various things stressors like with job with or even just kind of overwhelmed by feeling anxiety or feeling depressed as well. Um and not waiting too long I mean if you're struggling you know if it's don't wait months don't wait years right to reach out like if you find yourself like you know maybe it is it has been a month hey you know sometimes yeah we can have a rough week right you know every who who doesn't right but if it goes you know a month or more you definitely want to consider reaching out like for therapy talking to somebody right whether it's a you know therapist like myself uh you know other health healthcare professional that might be able to you know at least kind of get things going and connect them with the proper care yeah so if someone listening out there is feels emotionally overwhelmed lately uh realistically um you know feel you know make a call you know I would say uh reach out to somebody um because um once again there's out there's people out there that that could help you um so make that call all right um like I said uh this is one of the things that like I I really feel strong about like and it is um is it mental health awareness month yes it is May right yeah so it's kind of perfect timing um I like I said um just awareness right awareness awareness just making sure people know there's there's there's support help out there um and having you here today honestly just uh it it may it gives me hope uh that you know there there's people out there that that know what they're doing that are gonna take care of us right because I you know we want to make sure that people that are out there that are helping us they know what they're doing and uh they know what they're talking about obviously but um just getting the insight here today from you uh opens it up for me kind of makes me look at things from a different perspective from from your seat obviously um so much respect to to your to your profession and what you do um so if you don't mind do you want to get into a quick rapid fire round before we before we end the the episode today let's do this okay all right I'm just gonna ask you some questions and just give me your best answer don't think about it too much just give me your answer okay biggest green flag for for for your profession like things that you see or hear that you're like oh that's good what's the biggest green flag in terms of the like as a therapist as a therapist that that you want to look out for exactly okay right I think a a big a big green flag would be that uh the therapist is first and foremost meeting you where you're at not trying to force you know anything on you right working with you what you feel comfortable with biggest red flag that they want to the the opposite right that they want to force you they want to make you do you know oh let's do this type of therapy and you need to do this right like really you know yeah just trying to control feel like you're being controlled right versus really listening you know to how you're feeling what you need right what you know resources you have and so forth yeah for trying to force something on you is big red flag most overrated relationship advice oh my goodness let's see here so much right there's so much this is this is uh this hard to like just kind of like if you can think of one bring it down to to one right I think worse like relationship advice is that hey relationships are tough you need to stick through it no matter what right right even if you're unhappy okay texting or calling what do you prefer texting or calling what's best calling old school right I want to hear old school yeah yes because I mean there's so many like when you text like you know pretty people can interpret in so many different ways right like the tone of it uh sometimes if you're texting may not be giving too much thought it might come out the wrong thing right versus just pick up the phone right like and and it's I think it'll save you time people think that it's a lot faster to text but not really if then like there are misunderstandings right so it's I think it's better just to pick up and and and and talk to somebody on the phone.

SPEAKER_03

And then most common issue you see in couples communication.

SPEAKER_00

Communication okay all right um thank you again uh before we leave what's one thing you wish more people understood about mental health that everybody struggles in some way right with mental health and it is okay right to ask for help no need to have any shame because I think we all struggle in one way or another. Alright and then is there something that gives you hope about people and relationships I I think you know more and more like I do see that that people you know do want to make the effort to understand each other and connect right like on a deeper level and as a result of that right they're willing to do the work but like on an individual basis right and as you know a couple.

SPEAKER_03

And then last thing I want to I want to ask before we before we leave here um if somebody's looking for help where can they find help?

SPEAKER_00

Oh there's so many different like options right I mean for those obviously people that have you know health insurance plan you can you know just call there's usually like a a a line that you go to specifically for mental health and you can find a provider right you can go online or you can just call right if it's a little overwhelming to find somebody online for those individuals that maybe you know don't have insurance or limited funds. You know there are uh services that are provided locally maybe through you know count you know county you know or government agencies um that oftentimes offer like no cost um you know mental health services or sometimes even calling like two one one right depending on the area right where you live right there is information and you just call and and ask and you know they can provide you with any uh services that are available you know in your area all right well thank you so much uh maybe we can drop some links uh for some for some general resources uh thank you very much again for joining us today uh it's been a pleasure uh thank you for making that drive out here all the way from the OC.

SPEAKER_03

Uh any plans for tomorrow? Let's see you know spend some time with with family uh enjoying this long weekend right it's always nice to have an extra day on this weekend I'm definitely gonna enjoy my day off so thanks again um appreciate it uh and uh I hope you have a safe trip back home and once again thank you it's been a pleasure thank you for having me that said he'll say it straight where the truth comes out whether we plan it or not catch you next time